why.............................................. im o fucked off its untrue,
split up with my bf after 2 years of being together
the more you do for someone the more someone shits on ya...
ive done everything for vic.... he never cooks, never does anything much with harry just snapps at him , i get up at 6,30 to make him a coffee and when he comes in from work.... make hes packed lunch, i suppose im being petty. i have to walk on egg shells all the time,i had to support us all when he wasnt working. and now that he is for hes dad , hes dad hasnt been paying him properly so the bills are all mounting up, which they all in my name, and he doesnt realise, why im in a mood every day..........dont know why im writing this but i guess its getting it all out, 

i do all the housework.... and i mean i do everything even the gardening as he wont do it, the ain thing he does is come home and sit on hes ass and play hes xbox...... while i do dinner , deal with harry and hes problems, ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr no more. last night he came in and looked at me up and down like a bit off shit, that was the worse feeling ever, felt like i repulsed him, i havent got much confidence as it is, I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SCREAMING .

GOT TO GET IN MY HEAD THAT IM BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM,

had an appointment at sutton hospital today where harry attends an adhd appointment, saw the 2 main docs , which they are saying now we need to diagnose him with autism. as he is showing strong signs of this . and he is starting a slow release drug as the resperdone isnt to good for him long term, so we shall see if this drug works, with all what was said today my head feels like bursting, :o(

 im so fucking stressed its untrue.... feels like everything is going wrong....deep inside i feel like i want to scream and smash something ..
last night had a row with vic, about bills.... then we got up this morning not talking to each other, he went off to work and i had docs , docs went well .. but decided i wanted to go out in car with a mate , parked up ...got a bloody parking ticket,, fucking wanker ..lol young kid.... probably gets commission on what he does. was 2 mins , and wham a bloody ticket. grrr what i day im having ..lol

harry was born 10 november 1997, born at 30 weeks weighed 3lb9. and stayed in special baby unit for a few weeks.
when he was 3 years of age i noticed he wasnt speaking properly and wasnt acting like any other toddler of hes age.and not long after that
 he was diagnosed with ADHD
 was attending a special needs nursery, where he learnt how to do sign language to comunicate better with ppl around himself.
started to attend  sutton hospital in which we see a doc for hes ADHD,  and still do now.
they gave me tablets for harry to try retilin and also tried conserta which is a slow releasing drug. but had no luck with harry swallowing, ( has problems with texture in hes mouth) regarding hes verbal dyspraxia. gags very easily,  so now he is on reperidone which its in liquid form,  so he has it in the morning and at night to relax him,

im worried as hes a big boy, alot stronger, hes behavior has got bad, moody, gets very stressed, he has anxietly attacks, gets very nervous and takes everything to heart, he has OCD,learning difficulties, and also toileting can be an issue.

he has trouble socialising in the playground at school at the moment, which upsets him totally , and now the hospital is saying he is showing signs of being autistic, its heart breaking at times, hes in the wrong school which makes me furious, you have to fight for everything, which harry is in titled to... just pisses me off especially when he comes home from school crying and i mean sobbing hes heart out and he has even written on a peace of paper that he wanted to hurt himself, that made me feel sick inside . have to keep an eye on harry 24/7. he just has no aware of dangers around him .

CAR BOOT


got up at 4 am this morning... still dark, left home at 5.30. to do hook road arena carboot..was packed solid in buyers and booties..lol over 800 cars selling stuff, had a brilliant day me and my mate made 200, went halves.. which wasnt to bad for a bank holiday

got back, had a bath and think ill treat vic and myself to a chinese, mmmmm think i deserve it after today hehehe :o)

ive started to get hooked on attending our local spiritualist  church , i go on a thursday . the last few times ive received messages, which were upsetting but made me have a good feeling inside if that makes sense
my nan , my mums nan i was very close too, loved her so much , she died in 1997
and knowing she is with me , gives me a warm feeling inside when they tell me . and also i have a child with me .on the other side who is with me , and often says he is with me and that they have grown up in the spirit world which i always think about.

ive started to do phsicomatry(spelt it wrong)
where ya hold the persons jewelery and get feelings from it and sees visions, which i often practice on my mate .

  I guess it goes back from when i was in my teens..... the usual happened i was 14, ended up going out with a boy a few years older than me, , my first love. then when i was 15 i became pregnant, no one knew except my bf mark and both our mums and dad, my mum and dad was very supportive,but then things went wrong, i lost the baby, wasnt ment to be . still together with mark but in all the relationship lasted 3 years found out he was cheating on me which i was heart broken.
then i met a guy called johnathan bit of a ruff sort ..lol but he seemed cute enuff , was nice and careing well thats what i thought , but i guess thats what its like in a new relationship in the beginning,and then we decided to live in a bedsit, and then ... yep started to go wrong ....  a few of my items of jewelry went missing , yep he was stealing of me for hes drugs , so i moved back home. he took it quiet bad, as 1 day i was working up at richmond hill,when i recieved a call saying ... hes watching me , asked me if i like dancing and said he was gonna blow my fucking kneecaps off...... i was so scared phoned my dad and he took me to the local police station to sort it all out , and since then heard no more from him... thank fuck
then i met richard... worked with him in marks and spencers,had an off and on relationship, decided to meet both families and moved in together. richard is there only child. abit of a mummies boy ..lol then i fell pregnant to hes mum and dads horror, i heard hes mum say to richard that i had ruined hes life and they wantd better for him, which totally upset me, richard would never speak up to hes mother or father which annoyed me as i was hes family but my feelings didnt count , always seemed that hes mum was looking down at me . which wasnt fair, as i hadnt done enything wrong , when i had harry , we went to stay with them, i wasnt allowed to change hes nappy downstairs had to do it upstairs, they are very house proud ppl and pure snobs, which hated me, made me feel worthless, fat and a horrable person, with some of the comments they used to come out with, richard was very much into hes work, he worked on the security side, which he worked long hours, so i was by myself most of the time, then he said i should go back to work, which the only work i could do was nights in a supermarket. which was hard goin , went to work at 10pm till 6.30 am then stay awake until the transport took harry to school then i was able to sleep which would only be 5 hours the latest,  we ended up drifting apart, he was too obsessed with hes work , and i was being left to cope with hospital appointments with harry plus night work and looking after the house,
 i decided to go and stay at my mum and dads for a break, as i couldnt cope with the way things were . being made feeling worthless,paranoid in secure. but then i thought to myself cant go on like this so he moved bak to hes mums and i got my house back.

i started to go on the internet for company which i have made some really good friends , over the last few years.
one of my mates told me to go on a site which i started to chat to a guy which only lived 3 miles up the road, which seemd ok and decided to meet him, went for a drink in a pub then we carried on dating. he told me he hadnt long been out of prison , but said it was because he stuck up for hes sister she got abused by her bf , which i could understand. so carried on seeing him ,no alarm bells rang .
not then any ways, he didnt work but i didnt mind, he came andstayed with me for abit, where i paid for everything as he had nothing. , thats the person i am... mugs in capitals on my forehead, he used to go on pc through the night ......while i was in bed. not knowing what he was doing.....oh yes found out he was chatting to gals getting phone numbers , and i felt like shit..... whats wrong with me!!!!!!!just wanted to get rid didnt have the energy going through another lot of trouble , told him in a nice way that ive realised its not working , ...... worse thing i ever did,...... HE FLIPPED OUT.. GRABBED ME BY MY THROAT, threatened me, i went to grabb the phone to phone police, but he yanked it out of my hands and chucked it but by then i was connected to them , they were soon with me but he just ran off.2 months later had a phone call of a gal saying she was engaged to this guy .... and said she has had him arrested for beating her up.. best place for him , inside and also apparently he had done it before me too... fucking freak.

so i am so nervous even now,  very insecure, and its like a voice in my head tells me stuff then i start to get paranoid,i get days where i feel like i cant cope with days, want to curl up and shut the world out .but i cant as harry needs me as he has hes own problems, and vic needs me too and i need him hes the best thing what ever happend to me , loves me for me but i cant get used to it sometimes i get in my head , he will find someone better than me, i say this to him and he tells me im all he ever wants im hes life. i should listen but still feel insecure probably take me a while to get through it, i am happy but just scared as i dont want things to go wrong which they have done in the past ...

when i was alot younger at junior school kingathlestan , i was in a music video with donna summer and musical youth, the song was called  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  you can find it on youtube. i was 1 of the kiddies skipping around in the playground.

also 3 years ago i auditioned for big brother, lol. i must of been mad...